Is it weird that I can analyze myself?

I don't have extensive experience using my analyzin' skillz on others, but I constantly dissect the why of my words & actions. I can figure out which insecurity, struggle, or scar is fueling my tug to say or do something. Obviously, this isn't perfect and foolproof because there's only so much one can know about her own subconscious.

For example, I'm extremely biting and sarcastic around guys. I give off that "mean vibe". I know this because I did that just today--drove someone away with my dry humor.

It's from my insecurity and low self-esteem. Why would they like me? How can I make this guy stick around? So I try to enhance what I think is attention-getting about me: sarcasm and wit. It gets to be too much in large doses and therefore, my ex-boyfriend accusing me of being mean.

Yet I'm so shy and nervous inside. A chestnut with burrs. But I can't explain this to people...

So is this normal? Do other people do this? I have no idea.

I am now scared of flies. I never knew they felt vengeance.

I was just typing away on my home computer, la-di-dah, doing some research for a writing project. There are a lot of flies in my house and I have no idea why because it's our priority to keep doors properly shut, etc. etc. But there are still tons of flies and they drive me nuts.

Of course our fly swatter just disappeared.

So a fly landed on the computer screen and I was like, dangit! A dumb fly is blocking some important pixels! I wanted to do something about it and I asked my mom where the fly swatter was. While we were talking, the fly that was on the computer screen FLEW INTO MY EYE.

I'm not even kidding you! I screamed! I was so grossed out and freaked out that I screamed!

After that, I was determined to kill the fly. Having no fly swatter, I decided to use my dad's notepad which was lying around the computer area (sorry Dad). The fly landed on the computer screen. I swatted it and hit it, but it flew away.

In the next minute, a fly landed on top of my head and buzzed. Once again, I freaked out. Now I'm paranoid there's a fly sitting on my head and I have to pat it every few moments to make sure there isn't anything.

Lord. It keeps flying at me. I'm so freaked out. I hate flies. And now I'm scared of them.

EDIT: Killed the flies (finally!) and found the fly swatter afterwards in my brother's room. Great.

I love the idea of a blog.

It's floating in the Internet and all, and there could be a million different kind of people that drop by and read the words on the blog. There's still something personal and private about it.

I'm the type of person who likes nostalgia. Who likes scrapbooks. Who likes yearbooks with little scrawls from old friends and acquaintances. Who likes old diaries that record the most banal part of human existence.

But it's warm, it's cozy, and it's real. It's like I'm reading my own personal history, reading into my old thoughts and my old life before I outgrew it like a piece of dead skin.

I think that's why I've been wanting to blog for so long. I've tried countless times. So many blogs, so many ideas, so many hopes of readers and comments and looking back in two years and finding the blog and finding the old me. So many ideas.

I really did read all those blogs about blogs and tried to find a niche, about SEO, and social networking sites, etc. I wanted to be successful. I wanted blogging to be part of me. I wanted to touch people.

It failed.

This time around, I don't really have a plan. The only thing I'm going to do is write down what pops into my head. And what pops into my head is pretty weird. But all the better for interesting blog posts.

Well, only time will tell, huh? Let's see how far I get.